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9/09/2004


Un-American Pie

Cheney: Don’t vote for the porcelain twosome. If you do, their week stance on terrorism might provoke a terrorist attack.

Edwards: GASP!!!!!!! Oh yeah!? Well you are un-American for calling peoples attention to something we wanted to hide. How dare you!?

GWB: Vote for me. I’ll keep you safe. And if we are attacked I’ll make sure whoever is responsible is no longer breathing. In short, I agree with Dick.

Kerry: (in the most monotone voice possible) how dare you. I think we should supply our troops with what ever they need, including body armor and additional funding. But before I go on let me make a quick call. (Walks out of the room and picks up his cell)

Kerry to Jacques Chirac: (in the most monotone French voice possible) Hey Jacquey baby. Yeah its me. Umm, how do you feel about us arming our troops a little better? No? Yeah that would make the fight a little more even, and we do need the casualties to reflect poorly on the president… okay. No body armor. Thanks Jacques-ya-rock. Say “HI” to the rest of EU for me. Tell them to rest easy, their money is going to good use.

Kerry: That bill is no good! I cannot in good conscience vote to protect our soldiers and fund this terrible war. How dare you question my patriotism! I was in Vietnam and Cambodia!

McAuliffe to Kerry: Ah John…

Kerry: (monotone) Yessss minion.

McAuliffe: First, great job.

Kerry: I know.

McAuliffe: Second, the American people want to feel like they won’t be blown up.

Kerry: (monotone) Then I shall say I voted for the 87 billion, before I voted against it. That should confuse the crap out my millions of retarded followers. Have I told you how great my hair looks today?

Kerry: And may I mention also that "It is outrageous and shameful to make the war on terror an instrument of their politics in this race, I defended this country when I was a young man, and they chose not to. And I will defend this country as president of the United States. Let that be clear." I should also mention that truthful attacks like that make me look weak and unable to lead our country at a time of war. I’m not so sure that’s good for my campaign.

Swift Boat Veterns: Mr. Kerry, the way in which you conducted yourself during and after Vietnam was reprehensible. You were never in Cambodia and what the heck is that “V” next to your silver star for?

Kerry: (very monotone) I fought in Vietnam. Vietnam is where I fought. I fought the North Vietnamese in Vietnam. Vietnam. I’m proud of both my service and how I conducted myself after Vietnam. I was in Vietnam. How dare Bush use the truth against me in such an effective manner? They’re making it very hard to defend myself. Did I mention Vietnam yet? Vietnam. Me. There. I fought.

Bill Clinton to Kerry: From now on let’s just say you fought in a war. Your credibility with your war record is really crappy. Not a strong point John. In the future, lets try and use something about your career that will help Hillary even more… I mean you even more. Why not talk about the last 20 years in the Senate? Maybe from now on try just making ad-homonym attacks. Say things in a simple way that your voters can understand and will remember.

Kerry thinking to himself: (in a monotone voice) I know, since my voters are all non-intellectuals and as smart as 3 year olds, I’ll make mean things up about GWB using only his middle initial. It’ll be like sesame street. It might be too advanced for my voters, but I’ll give it a shot.

Kerry to voters:The ‘W’ stands for wrong, wrong choices, wrong judgment, wrong priorities, wrong direction for our country.” (to himself now) Swish. Slam dunk.

McAuliffe to Kerry: Oh most high and lofty intellectual.

Kerry: Yes.

McAuliffe: Your down in the polls your braininess.

Kerry: (in a sleepy monotone voice) Of course, this is your fault. Idiots! They must not understand that my many contradictory stands on Iraq are indeed harmonious in my complex mind. Dang it! I’m too smart Terry. Somehow we need to get what I actually mean out to the people. But how?

Kerry: Has anyone seen my wife? No? Perfect.

To be continued…

posted by: Brian Scott


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